The Village Groomer
March 10, 2000
“The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.” Madame de Stael, 1766-1817, French writer
and social leader.
Lots of
people feel that way. You’re always
hearing them extolling the virtues of our canine friends. Dogs never ask to borrow money or use the
car. Dogs don’t discriminate. They don’t care if you’re fat or skinny,
homely or handsome, old or young. They
don’t give a hoot about your politics, your sexual preference or if you know
how to dance the Salsa.. They’re always
glad to listen even if you have a Senior Moment and tell them the same story
…..again.
Some folks
think canines are saints compared to us.
I will admit there is some truth to this comparison. They don’t kill each other as a recreational
activity and they never make you watch slides of their vacation. But give me a break. They are not angels! The other day I was watching a TV segment
about the Seven Deadly Sins and I’m sorry – dogs are every bit as capable of
committing them as their much-maligned human caretakers. Let me give you some examples:
PRIDE – My French Bulldog Rollie
is the poster boy for this one. His
barrel chest puffs out over how well he has me trained. When it’s chilly or rainy outside and he’s
finished doing his “business,” he’s got my response fine-tuned. I’m at the door to let him in halfway
through his first blood-curdling scream.
He’s also improved my response time at producing the cookie to reward
for performing his bodily functions.
I’ve got it down to under five seconds.
He’s achieved this by (1) his intense penetrating stare, and (2) sitting
on my feet to prevent me from moving away from the counter. (Where did this start anyway? When’s the last time you got a reward for
going to the bathroom?)
ENVY – My daughter’s dog Mookie is
a living example of this. When his
housemates – three dogs and four cats – clamor for attention, this pint-sized
toy poodle is often trampled underfoot and generally ignored unless he pipes
with his incredibly annoying squeak of a bark.
In the grooming shop, he looks up at the Standard Poodles on Anne’s
table and hears us exclaim “Gorgeous!”
From his close-to-the ground perspective, I guess a guy can get awfully
tired of trading on “cute.” He’d love
to be Tom Cruise but he’ll always be the Peewee Herman of dogdom.
SLOTH – This one goes to Bernice
the Basset, paws down. This
full-figured girl would rather be rolled out of her cubby than made to stand up
on all fours and walk to the grooming table.
The only thing she’s quick about is opening her jaws when she hears the
work “cookie.” Don’t even think about
making her fetch a tennis ball - she will laugh in your face. Her sluggish ways can be hazardous to her
health. She likes to take naps in the
driveway and last winter she curled up so close to the blazing fireplace that
her fur got singed. She’ll never
forgive her owner for that crude attempt at humor: “Stick a fork in her – she’s
done!”
GLUTTONY – Benjamin the Beagle Boy
wins this one. He has been known to
climb up on a kitchen chair and remove Sunday’s roast beef from its platter
while his owner had her back turned to answer the phone. He’ll eat his own food then clean out the
cat food dishes, oblivious to the fact that his fishy breath is a dead
giveaway. The vet screams every time
Benny gets on the scale. The last time
she gave his owner two suggestions: (1) wiring his jaws, or (2) a summer
vacation at Fido’s Fat Farm.
LUST – Stanley the Schnauzer takes
the prize in this category. He’s never
met a leg he didn’t like. This dog
thinks he’s God’s gift to all canine cuties.
He’s been caught making sexual advances to such varied love objects as a
Yorkshire Terrier and a St. Bernard.
When we give him a sanitary trim, he considers it foreplay. While Stanley’s lewd behavior is often
embarrassing, his owner claims it has its good points, keeping vinyl siding
salesmen and long-lost relatives away from her door.
AVARICE – Leo the Lab is our model
for this one. He steals and stashes
everything he can get his paws – or jaws – on.
Under his crate pad his owner has unearthed candy wrappers, toast
crusts, baby rattles, sweat socks, lady’s lingerie and Grandpa’s false
teeth. Unfortunately, all this
scrounging and hoarding prevents the big guy from living in the moment. He’s so worried about tucking his goodies
away for a rainy day that he never goes for the gusto, devouring today’s treats
with carefree abandon. His owner feels
Leo needs professional help, preferably with a therapist who specializes in
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
WRATH – Pepe the Chihuahua gets
the nod here. The tiny terror cops an
attitude about everything. Walking by
his crate, a friendly ear tickle or even a bit of baby talk can make him go
ballistic. Don’t ever tell him to “Drop
the Chalupa.” Trimming his nails always
results in a full-blown temper tantrum.
His ferocious fangs have tested the reflexes of UPS men, pizza delivery
guys and the Avon lady. His owner has
been considering putting him on Prozac since the hot-tempered half-pint had
that road rage incident the day of the animal shelter’s fundraising pet walk,
causing volunteers to throw their armbands on the ground and go home.
So when it
comes to the blame game, maybe it’s time for us harried humans to cut ourselves
a little slack. To put it another way,
let him who is without sin cast the first bone.